before my papers, i thought maybe things would be better afterwards. i thought my unhappiness was just because i was so stressed up about my studies. and yet, here i am still feeling unhappy, dissatisfied and, perhaps, even depressed. maybe it's just the pms talking but that's not very likely considering i've been feeling this way since papers ended. my only couple of breaks from this state were during fun-o-rama and the party, and quiet times spent with J.
even times with J weren't that peaceful. just a couple of days ago, we had another "argument". i dont blame him; i know the reason of why i did what i did. i am afraid. no, terrified would be a better word. just thinking of what's gonna happen in the future scares me to death. even after all these reassurances, i am still terrified.
perhaps, the shadows of my past has yet to relinquish its hold on me. every now and then, i could feel them singing a seducing song to lure me back into depression. every now and then, i could feel them worming a haunting image into my weak mind. every now and then, i could feel tears in my eyes, uncontrolled but not unwanted.
i dont know how much i could take. i dont know how long more before i crack under another attack. but i am glad i have J by my side.
yet, sometimes, having him by my side doesn't help. having him next to me reminds me of my own selfishness. having him next to me made me question "how long more."
projects, assignments are slowly mounting on top of another. previously ignored works are slowly resurfacing. too slow, i say. i don't blame time for being too little; i blame myself for ignoring the destructive force of time. i feel bad, not for myself but for my project-mates who are stuck with a useless me.
i tried to work on various projects but... ... a invisible wall is what i keep running into. how is this wall created, i dont know. why is this wall created, i dont know. what is this wall created from, i dont know.
as my fingers wander around this wall, hoping to find a hole, a whiff of something familiar crept up from behind. i turned around and found nothing. and yet, it follows.
i could feel myself falling back into that dark abyss from which i came before.
at times i feel, perhaps it's better to sink back into depression. yeah, isn't that odd.
it is just so hard sometimes. even to manage a smile. creating one on another's, harder. i've tried. sometimes it worked. sometimes it doesn't.
but sometimes, it is not as hard as i imagined it to be. because some friends know may gets her kicks from insulting people. her quirky sense of odd humor. the best thing is that... they allowed me to do so, even when the joke is on them.
even then, it doesn't stop me from feeling... unhappy. after all, it just reminds me of my meanness.
i have lost a couple of friends along the way as my mouth works in a speed that my mind can never catch up with. most of the time, i dont mind losing them cause i have reasons not to mind it at all. it could be because they were never precious to start off with. it could be because they were too egoistic for my liking. it could be because i dont see any fault of mine. it could be because i just dont like them at all.
but for a couple, i do regret. i know it's because of my quick temper and even quicker mouth.
but i admit... i am not the nicest person around. i have friends like danielle and khalsom to claim that title. in fact, i am not nice at all. like what many told me, although i know they meant it in a joking way, i am mean, i am proud. it's amazing i still have friends. i guess, they are all nice people. nice people.
sometimes, i just feel like crap whenever i go out with them. while they are nice to everyone around, i am mean to everyone around. someone said, someone has to be mean in order to make the other person nice. perhaps. perhaps not. but must the bad guy always be me. i guess... not. but it's hard to be nice when i have nothing nice to say and you know, i have to say something. sigh. perhaps, that's just life for me.
despite the many things i am thankful for, i just can't stop these tears from falling. every drop has quite a resounding impact that i think i ought to stop here and now.
it's a long entry. it's been a long day. a dreadfully long day.
before ending this unhappy entry, here's an extract from eve's blog, of what happened yesterday after my makeup workshop,
"of and i did my eyebrows in peninsular plaza. while may and me were waiting to go in, a prc worker stood in the doorway and said something which i dun understand. May said later it was di bu di (low a not) of which we dun think he was looking for beauty treatment cost which means that he thought we were selling bodies. But from our dressing in the picture above, which prostitute go out and hook in a polo shirt and jeans? granted that my polo shirt can be unbuttoned, it was still a freaky thought as to what went through his mind when he saw the two of us there. but my guess is that peninsular plaza got some gals selling although it is not us. plus where got prostitute wear glasses one? -_-" "
an incident that left me traumatized. it's really frightening to even think of what sorts of stuffs that were going on in his mind before he asked that question. i had the thought of telling him, you can't afford it but considering how it's just eve and i, i was scared that he might have like a gang of prc workers, waiting for us outside. but it's odd. real odd considering i was only wearing a disney tee shirt and a mini which, mind you, was not that short. remember how tall i am, alright. and i was stuffing my face with curry puff. tsk. | 
